Dear Holden,
Tonight I will say goodnight to my one year old ‘baby’ for
the final time – when you wake up in the morning, it will officially be your
second birthday! It’s hard for me to express in words (despite being a writer
and someone who deals almost exclusively in words!) how significant birthdays
are to me. My parents have always done an excellent job of making my sister and
I (Auntie Kimmy!) feel special on our birthdays, even as grown-ups, and it’s something
that I always vowed to repeat when I had kids of my own. Of course, your birth occurring
on Christmas Eve throws a bit of a wrench in to that, but I am hopeful that as
you grow older and more aware, you will have the same fond memories of your
birthdays that I do, despite sharing your special day with another occasion requiring
family, festivities, and presents.
Beyond everything else, a birthday is a chance to reflect
back on the past year and how you have changed, and how *I* as your mother
have also changed. I won’t lie, I took your first birthday pretty hard. Knowing
that you are definitely our final baby, and loving the infant stage so much, it
was difficult to come to the realization that this was it – babyhood was
officially OVER. Your second birthday is easier in that respect, but it still
fills me with a sense of nostalgic sadness. I can VIVIDLY remember being
super-duper-pregnant with you, settling into our then-new house in Barrie,
eagerly anticipating your arrival. It seems hard to believe that it was so long
ago, and yet also hard to believe that back then, I didn’t even know you! I
loved you, of course, but I didn’t know you. I didn’t know about the adorable
dimple in your cheek when you smile. I didn’t know about how deeply you’d adore
your big sisters (especially ‘Cedes’ currently). I didn’t know how much you’d
LOVE trucks, and fancy hats, and cats, and Toy Story, and building towers, and
your ‘Eddy’, and how your fine, wispy hair would start growing in little curls
around your ears. I didn’t know how much of an easy baby you’d be, and how we’d
pay for that during the toddler years. I didn’t know how tiny and adorable your
voice would be (sometimes I have difficulty telling you and Lexi apart!), and
how loudly you’d voice your opinions when you were displeased. I didn’t know
that you’d have to bring something new and strange to bed every night, and in
the car every morning (toy cars, action figures, a Barbie boot, a construction
book, stickers, a rubber ball, a set of erasers, a pair of sunglasses). Most of
all, I had absolutely no clue how much I’d love you, and how fully and
completely you’d capture my heart. It’s true what they say… there is a special
bond that mothers and sons have. I love my girls, of course, beyond measure, and
we have our own special bond. But there is something so sweet about a little
boy’s love for his Mama, and how strong your sturdy arms feel when they hug me
goodbye in the morning, and how earnest your kisses are, and how surprised and
happy you sound when you see me come home from work and say “Hi! Hi Mommy!”
I am so thrilled to watch you grow, and so amazed that we
get to be along for the ride. Happy second birthday Holders. We love you to the
moon and back.
Love,
Mama
