Holden - Happy 2nd Birthday!

Dear Holden,

Tonight I will say goodnight to my one year old ‘baby’ for the final time – when you wake up in the morning, it will officially be your second birthday! It’s hard for me to express in words (despite being a writer and someone who deals almost exclusively in words!) how significant birthdays are to me. My parents have always done an excellent job of making my sister and I (Auntie Kimmy!) feel special on our birthdays, even as grown-ups, and it’s something that I always vowed to repeat when I had kids of my own. Of course, your birth occurring on Christmas Eve throws a bit of a wrench in to that, but I am hopeful that as you grow older and more aware, you will have the same fond memories of your birthdays that I do, despite sharing your special day with another occasion requiring family, festivities, and presents.

Beyond everything else, a birthday is a chance to reflect back on the past year and how you have changed, and how *I* as your mother have also changed. I won’t lie, I took your first birthday pretty hard. Knowing that you are definitely our final baby, and loving the infant stage so much, it was difficult to come to the realization that this was it – babyhood was officially OVER. Your second birthday is easier in that respect, but it still fills me with a sense of nostalgic sadness. I can VIVIDLY remember being super-duper-pregnant with you, settling into our then-new house in Barrie, eagerly anticipating your arrival. It seems hard to believe that it was so long ago, and yet also hard to believe that back then, I didn’t even know you! I loved you, of course, but I didn’t know you. I didn’t know about the adorable dimple in your cheek when you smile. I didn’t know about how deeply you’d adore your big sisters (especially ‘Cedes’ currently). I didn’t know how much you’d LOVE trucks, and fancy hats, and cats, and Toy Story, and building towers, and your ‘Eddy’, and how your fine, wispy hair would start growing in little curls around your ears. I didn’t know how much of an easy baby you’d be, and how we’d pay for that during the toddler years. I didn’t know how tiny and adorable your voice would be (sometimes I have difficulty telling you and Lexi apart!), and how loudly you’d voice your opinions when you were displeased. I didn’t know that you’d have to bring something new and strange to bed every night, and in the car every morning (toy cars, action figures, a Barbie boot, a construction book, stickers, a rubber ball, a set of erasers, a pair of sunglasses). Most of all, I had absolutely no clue how much I’d love you, and how fully and completely you’d capture my heart. It’s true what they say… there is a special bond that mothers and sons have. I love my girls, of course, beyond measure, and we have our own special bond. But there is something so sweet about a little boy’s love for his Mama, and how strong your sturdy arms feel when they hug me goodbye in the morning, and how earnest your kisses are, and how surprised and happy you sound when you see me come home from work and say “Hi! Hi Mommy!”

I am so thrilled to watch you grow, and so amazed that we get to be along for the ride. Happy second birthday Holders. We love you to the moon and back.

Love,

Mama

Mercedes - 5 years and 9 months old

Dear Mercedes,

This week you brought home your first progress report of Senior Kindergarten, and we had an opportunity to discuss your work so far with your teachers as part of a ‘student-led conference’. Gone are the days of stuffy parent-teacher interviews that list all of your strengths and weaknesses. Instead we had the opportunity to have YOU lead us around your classroom, show us the different workstations, demonstrate the type of activities you do on a regular basis, provide us examples of some of your work to date… it was awesome! Of course, there was also the opportunity to speak with your teachers, and as your progress report said that you were easily meeting all expectations, I didn’t expect your teachers to tell me anything differently in person.

They told me you were “delightful” and “a pleasure to have in the class” – they said that you are helpful and considerate and love to assist with the JKs whenever needed; they said that you were quiet and often shy, but that it hasn’t hampered your social skills at all. You have a lot of friends, as we can see wherever you go (judging by the frequent chorus of “Mercedes! Hi Mercedes!” whenever you enter a room). You are constantly writing (duh) and doing fantastically great with your reading. They said they just loved having you in the class and seeing you blossom, and of course, we are so thrilled at how you are doing. Academic achievement is not the most important thing, although of course, it’s great to see; but it’s so nice to see your other skills growing – empathy and kindness and friendship and attentiveness. 

We are so proud of the wonderful person you are growing up to be. It is hard to believe sometimes that you will be six in only three short months, but as I reflect on the way you speak, and the things you converse with us about, and the awareness of your world you are quickly gaining, it isn’t that hard to imagine. I love how perceptive and analytical and straightforward you can be, but also that you are still so sweet and snuggly and funny. I love lying down with you in your bed a couple of times a week after Daddy has tucked you in – we chat about whatever you feel like chatting about and snuggle, and it leaves me feeling peaceful and whole. I love how you absolutely dote on your baby brother – giving him what he wants so that he doesn’t cry, watching out for his safety, hardly complaining when he football-tackles you to the ground. I love the special bond that you and Lexi have – making up complex, imaginative games to play together, snuggling on the floor-bed, laughing hysterically at her crazy antics at the dinner table. I love seeing your father reflected in so much of your personality – watching you two play board games and laugh at the same Christmas movies and become obsessed with Pokemon together.

It’s a joy to watch you grow into yourself – we love you muchly Shmeecee.

Love,

Mama

Holden - 21 months

Dear Holden,

This past month has been an interesting one for you! At the end of September, we went to see a pediatrician to discuss the ‘episodes’ that you’ve had previously (blue lips, lethargy, fever spike) when you were sick. I mentioned previously that you ended up in the hospital once, seriously dehydrated from a bout of strep throat, a raging double ear infection and the beginning crackles of pneumonia. That was your first incidence of blue lips, and it scared the crap out of us. You've since had a few more episodes, which always ended fairly quickly, but of course, were quite frightening while they were happening. Thanks to an abnormal x-ray result and the repeated occurrence of these episodes, we saw the pediatrician to discuss a diagnosis and next steps.

Her diagnosis was asthma. Not a severe case, since you never really actually seem to struggle to breathe, but clearly there are some viral-induced issues present in your little lungs. She seems to think it’s a good possibility you will grow out of it, as your lungs grow and you mature, but we need to work to treat it now so it gets better and not worse. Thankfully, you do not currently face a chronic treatment plan – instead, we have a steroid puffer that we’ll give to you for two full weeks whenever you first show signs of a cold. This should hopefully help to eliminate any symptoms your troubled lungs throw at us (namely, those worrisome blue lips!), but if not, we also have an as-needed puffer that is a bronchial dilator to open up your airways should you run into trouble. Cold and flu season is upon us, so we’ll get to test these out shortly I assume. The doctor will be following up with us regularly at the Pediatric Asthma Clinic at the hospital (we have our first appointment there in a few weeks), changing your ‘action plan’ as we figure out what works for you and what doesn’t.

In addition to addressing the lung issues, Dr. Hansen was also troubled by your snoring (and potential mild sleep apnea) and heavy breathing. That’s upper respiratory, not lower respiratory (as asthma and abnormal lung x-rays are). She referred us to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor (ENT), who we met with yesterday for the first time. The ENT said that your tonsils are quite enlarged, and this is likely a very clear explanation for your heavy breathing and snoring issues, and could quite possibly also explain ear infections, throat infections and of course, those dreaded blue lips episodes! When you are ill, your tonsils enlarge even further – pressing against each other and leaving little room for the mucous generated by a virus to pass through (the ‘mucous flap’ that more than one walk-in doctor mentioned to us as an explanation for the blue lips). She re-iterated that the upper respiratory and lower respiratory systems are obviously interconnected, and that if we remove the tonsils, it would help you breathe easier, help you sleep better (without snoring!), help reduce incidences of throat/ear infections, and hopefully reduce your viral-induced asthma symptoms and the blue lips episodes.

So, it seems pretty clear that removing your tonsils would be a good option – but man oh man, does it scare me. My logical brain knows that this is a fairly routine surgery (heck, I had it done when I was three years old!), and that young children bounce back from this remarkably quickly. I can see clearly that it will only benefit you, but it’s still such a scary thought to picture my sweet little boy put under general anesthesia, staying overnight in a hospital (with me there, thankfully!), forced to stay home for a week to recover, unable to eat the foods his big sisters are eating. I know the risks may be minimal, but as parents, our job is to reduce any chance of you hurting – and so it seems so counter-intuitive to hand you over to a surgeon so they can cut something out of you. We haven’t 100% decided yet, in part because I need some time to digest the idea of it and the logistics and further weigh the risks and benefits. But it seems likely that in the spring you will undergo the surgery, with your Mama there by your side. Good luck to all of us!

Love,

An always-protective Mama

Alexis - 3.5 (almost)

Dear Lexi,

I am writing this journal entry to you not because some particular milestone has been reached, or some birthday has passed, or some special first has been recorded – but simply because I wanted to take a moment to revel in how much of a unique personality you are. You will never get to do things first, since you aren’t the oldest… you will never be the ‘baby’ or the only one of anything, since that is reserved for your brother… but you are, without a doubt, such a goofy, sweet character that you could never get lost in the shuffle. And I will never stop telling you how important and special you are to us.

And it’s not just your parents that see that (biased though we may be). Your daycare teachers find you infinitely amusing. Friends of ours say “Oh, that Lexi! What a gal!” Your Bubie and Zaidie and aunts and uncles smile at your antics and the ever-present twinkle in your big, dark eyes. Even your sister, who will forever remind us all how she will always be older and bigger, finds you hysterically funny. In fact, she is often unable to eat her dinner because she is laughing so enthusiastically at something funny you’ve said, or a silly face you’ve made.

I don’t know what exactly it is about you that draws people in, but it’s some magically endearing combination of your crazy curls, your big eyes, your little sturdy body, your teeny high-pitched voice… not to mention your personality of course. You have always been this very interesting study in contrasts – feisty and independent and stubborn and adventurous, yet easy-going and flexible and snuggly and sweet. You have everyone in your life wrapped around your fingers, and your father and I constantly find ourselves shaking our heads and smiling and say “Oh Lex” – there is just no escaping your charm, even when you are peeing on the floor, refusing to clean up your toys, attacking your siblings, or stalling at bedtime.

Don’t ever lose that gleam in your eye Lexi-Bexi. Frustrating as it is, it’s inescapably you.

Love,

Mama

Mercedes - First Day of Senior Kindergarten

Dear Mercedes,

Today marks your very first day of Senior Kindergarten! It was a little anti-climactic for me, since I couldn’t take you directly to school, but instead took you to your usual spot in the before and after school program. I could have taken the morning off, or come in late, in order to take you to school, but I figured it would be better to have you back in your regular routine as quickly as possible. However, I am kind of regretting that choice now! I wish I had been able to walk you to school this morning, just you and me, having one last chat about all of the exciting stuff you would learn and do this year. I wish I had taken one last opportunity to hold your hand and reassure you that, despite being nervous and anxious about a new year, with a new teacher (actually two new teachers, and even a new Principal and Vice Principal!), you would be okay, and you would have fun, and you would get back into the swing of things shortly.

My big girl – you have grown so much and so fast, that sometimes it’s hard for me to remember that you are still ONLY 5 (and a half), and that you have so many big emotions that you may not always know how to handle (heck, I am 34 – and a half – and I have big emotions I can’t handle sometimes!) School, and all of the related anxieties that come along with it – friends, teachers, school-work, routines, being independent – can be hard to manage for someone who is so thoughtful and sensitive and observant. I know you were nervous last year, but that vanished quickly and you absolutely THRIVED in JK. I know the same will happen this year – hopefully even today! I am guessing by the end of the week you’ll have remembered why you love school so much, and you’ll be begging to go, even on the weekends.

I do wish that the last few days of your summer break haven’t been filled with such anxiety from you – your father and I have done the best we could to dissuade your fears, reassure you that your feelings were normal, encourage you to always continue talking to us no matter what… but it still breaks my heart a bit that instead of enjoying your last week of summer vacation, you’ve been lying awake at night, in tears, in nervous anticipation of what lay ahead this week.

There were no tears this morning when I got you settled in the before school program, though. Brave, through and through, you fought valiantly to show me that you would be okay. And I thank you. Because *I* might have shed a few tears in the car on the way to work on your behalf. Especially when I realized I forgot to pack you a fork for your spaghetti lunch. Getting back into normal routines can be tough on all of us :) 

No matter what though, I am so immensely proud of the smart, talented, creative, beautiful girl you have become and I can’t wait to see what this exciting year holds for you!

Love,

Mama

P.S. By the time I got home for dinner, you were back to being excited and loving school and said that you can't wait to go back tomorrow :)

Holden - 19 Months

Dear Holden,

This past weekend, at 19 months of age, you finally experienced your first sleepover at Bubie and Zaidie’s house! In typical third kid fashion, you were the latest of the bunch – Mercedes had her first sleepover at 17 months, and Lexi had her first at only 15 months! (Due in part to your impending arrival and the need we’d have for your sisters to be babysat during my hospital visit.) And in typical Holden fashion, you did fantastically! Always easy going and happy, you went to sleep without a peep, didn’t seem to miss breastfeeding at all, and even slept in! Of course, you never sleep in at HOME, but if you are going to be a super-star anywhere, it’s best that it’s at Bubie and Zaidie’s house so they are more willing to repeat this whole three-kid-sleepover thing ;)

It’s just another example of how quickly you seem to be growing – learning new words every day, learning new skills (climbing everything for example), and making your opinions CLEARLY felt (you have become quite adept at the toddler tantrum – throwing yourself down on the ground and screaming, even beating your little arms and legs for emphasis). We love seeing the bond you have with your sisters change and develop – you were always particularly close with Lexi, seeing as how you were both home with me every day, and of course, you are only 19 months apart. But now you seem to have developed a special bond with Mercedes too, which thrills me. She is almost four years older than you, so she dotes on you – helping you put your shoes on, or do up a zipper on your coat, playing ball with you, helping you with a crayon… you seem to terrorize her a little bit less frequently these days (although you make up for it with Lexi it seems), and just love giving her bone-crushing hugs and big smiles.

You are still absolutely obsessed with your elephant lovey, and adore wearing hats, and playing in the small wading pool in the back (and dumping water all over yourself). You love reading books, and insist on the ‘bus book’ (Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site) every night before bed (which is actually about trucks,but the two seem interchangeable to you right now). You still LOVE going to daycare and exploring all the neat things they have for you – last week you even gently held a frog you found on a walk (much to my surprise). You love animals of all kinds – especially Duke, although he doesn’t always appreciate all of the ‘attention’ you give him. I am so happy that this first sleepover went well – in part because it gives your father and I a much-needed break, and time to relax and focus on each other; but also because you get to experience what your sisters have for so long – the ultimate joy found only at Bubie and Zaidie’s house. Unlimited attention, unconditional love, and a level of spoiling that you’ll likely never get at home, despite us loving you just as much! Sleepovers at Bubie and Zaidie’s are a truly special thing, and I am so glad you are growing up knowing them – and I am thrilled that they get to spend more extended time with YOU and fall even more deeply in love (if that’s even possible) with my special little boy.

Love,

Mama

Mercedes - Last Day of Junior Kindergarten

Dear Mercedes,

Last Friday marked your final day of your first year of school. The ten months passed in the blink of an eye, but looking back you have matured and changed so much in that one short school year. You have grown physically of course (your feet and legs in particular!), and you’ve gotten a couple of haircuts, and you are currently sporting an early summer tan despite copious amounts of sunscreen. But you’ve also, more importantly, changed on the inside as well. More confident, more social, less tentative… we are so proud of the big girl you are turning into. You will always be a bit more on the shy side, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, I think each new experience you have brings you more self-awareness, more confidence, more capability to easily adapt and make new friends. 

You started ‘summer camp’ at the Learning Jungle on Monday (with your brother and sister, although you won’t spend your entire days with them), and you had not one single moment of hesitation, telling me that “don’t worry, I’ll make new friends!” And you have made new friends, despite only being there for a few days this week. This morning as I dropped you off I heard you talking the ear off Miss Jessika (your sister's teacher), telling her some long, complicated story about Hello Kitty something or other. 

You are reading more and more, and attempt to write full sentences on your own – writing the words you do know, sounding out phonetically the ones you don’t. You still absolutely adore arts and crafts – always drawing something or making paper airplanes or cutting out funny shapes. You love to direct your sister on games you make up for the two of you, showing just how easily you can adapt to a ‘leadership’ role. You also love any sort of physical activity, as most kids do – riding your bike, trying to learn how to skateboard like Daddy, playing in the backyard kiddie pool, climbing the playground structures at the park.

You made a number of really fantastic friends in JK – Cecily and Trinity and Hailey and all the others I can’t even remember – birthday parties and playdates abound, and I know it’s only the beginning of watching you blossom into a social butterfly. You should likely remain with your JK group next year as you all move into SK, and I think this will give you a great chance to solidify those friendships, hopefully for a number of years to come! Your father and I desperately wanted to make a lasting choice when we moved into this house – we knew once you started school (and your brother and sister after you) that we’d prefer you to stay in the same school throughout your elementary years. I know friendships will wax and wane (I have clear evidence of this in my own life), but the memories you make in these formative years will last forever. I am so excited to be along for the ride.

Love,

Mama

Holden - 18 months old

Dear Holden,

Today, you are 18 months old! That’s an entire year and a half that you have been bringing joy to our lives, and it means that as of tomorrow you’ll be closer to two than one! Scary thought, but when I stop and think about it, I realize how quickly you are growing and changing – every day you become less baby and so much more toddler. You are figuring out how to climb on things (like into and out of low chairs, navigating the slide in our backyard, climbing the stairs with ease). You are so much more aware of our daily routines and fully participate in the rhythm of the house, telling me when you need your diaper changed (“bumbum!” and heading for the stairs), or pointing to the pillow I always use to support you while nursing when you are requesting a session, or clearly asking for water or more food, or trying to change your outdoor shoes as soon as we get to daycare. I love watching your comprehension skills grow in leaps and bounds – you clearly understand a TON of what we are saying, even if you still aren’t talking as much as I’d like. You definitely have improved in that area though – new words are beginning to pop up fast and furious now… you have probably about 20ish, including Mama, Daddy, uh-oh, more, snack, doggie, water, ball, toe, eyes, turtle, Duke, bye, hi, this, shoes, got it, did it, quack quack, moo, woof woof… It’s hilarious watching you try to repeat everything we say and figuring out what words get reactions from the people around you.

You also have your own distinct personality that shines through – most of the time happy and carefree and easygoing, although some of that fabulous toddler-ness absolutely shines through. You seem to get clingy with me in the evenings, which elevates the Momma guilt level to ‘high.’ You are also teething (two canines currently) which is messing with your sleep a bit, and likely your personality! But through it all you remain, for the most part, a smiley, sweet, affectionate little boy. You love to give kisses and hugs, and try to run away from your sisters in an always-fun game of chase. You have a special obsession for purses and hats (yes, lots of estrogen in this house!) and as soon as you find both in the toy bin, you put on the hat, sling the purse over your shoulder and happily yell “bye bye!” while waving to your adoring fans. It’s hilarious and so endearing.

You still eat like a horse – often out-eating your big sisters. You have a special fondness for green veggies (WEIRD) and anything protein. You are still nursing (yay!), but usually only 2-3 times a day obviously, since I am working full-time. You are thriving in daycare – you love being there, love pretending to cook in the kitchen (I think you might be a chef one day), love playing with your new friends, love going outside and playing with water or bubbles or the sandbox. You also have super-fantastic fine motor skills - can do up buckles and zippers and manipulate small objects REALLY well. 

We are so thrilled with the smart, handsome, affectionate little boy you are turning into – we couldn’t be prouder to have you in our family. Each day I fall more and more in love with your sturdy body and dazzling heart. Happy half birthday Mr. Handsome!

Love,

Mama