Alexis - 14 Months Old

Dear Alexis,

You seem to be maturing and changing and learning so much - right before our eyes. You now say a few words - hi (while waving), bye (while waving), eye (while poking your right eye), mama, dada, tickle (complete with tickle motions on your belly), dat (while pointing)... you also love to brush your (non-existent) hair, try to put on your shoes, turn the pages in a book when I tell you to, give big squishy hugs and slimy kisses, give Duke his toys, splash in the bathtub and mercilessly bug your big sister. You are so sweet and funny and feisty and stubborn, all at the same time. You walk every where now and LOVE climbing things and getting into trouble.

So while all of this makes you seem older and bigger, to me, you are still my sweet little baby - so it's hard to imagine that our breastfeeding relationship is already coming to an end. I know that if I wasn't pregnant, it wouldn't be, and that makes it that much harder for me to swallow (hello, can we say Mommy Guilt to the extreme??). The same thing happened with your sister at around the same point in my pregnancy with you - but of course Mercedes was already nearly 22 months old. At only 14 months you seem much too little and dependent to wean - but alas, it appears that is what is happening. A loss in supply is leaving you disinterested and me in pain - and the one thing I know about extended (or any) breastfeeding relationship, is that it needs to work for both mother and baby.

I won't lie, I shed some tears last night after putting you to bed, because I'm pretty sure that was one of our last sessions, and it wasn't the most fun to be honest. But the night before you woke up at 4 am (something you hadn't done in a while) and I went in to your room and snuggled you in the dark and nursed you until you were quiet and calm and drowsy. That's the picture I'll remember - your sweet-smelling downy hair, your soft little hand stroking my chest, your eyes fluttering closed. I'm sorry that this chapter in our lives has come to an end already - I'll most definitely miss it - but I have to remind myself that a) you'll be just fine b) we've  given each other a wonderful gift for 14 months and c) you are getting another sibling to love and torture out of the deal!

Love always,

Momma