Dear Holden (we'll have to see what sort of nickname your sisters come up with for you!),
As I suspected, I have now had to change the title and the colours of this blog/journal - since I will no longer only have daughters! I had a very strong feeling from the moment I found out about you that you were a boy - so much so that I've been saying "he kicked" and "when he arrives" etc. right from the beginning.
Last week that hunch was confirmed via ultrasound - and here you are! Holden John (John after your late grandfather, who we'll happily tell you all about as you get older) - welcome to the family! Your sisters are thrilled (well ok, Alexis has no clue what is going on, but Mercedes is pleased since she requested a baby brother) about your impending arrival, as are your grandparents, aunts and of course, your father and I. We're a little befuddled on what exactly to 'do' with a boy - and we have to amass a large quantity of BLUE clothes and get rid of the mountains of PINK - but we're excited nonetheless. I can't wait to see what a wee boy version of us looks like.
In other news - you are growing healthy and strong and perfectly on track. I felt you kick from the OUTSIDE for the first time last weekend (Saturday evening to be exact) and it was thrilling! You've also seemed to go through a massive growth spurt this week, right at the halfway mark in my pregnancy - now your movements are higher up, more pronounced, and more easily felt from the outside. This is my favourite part of pregnancy - feeling those unmistakable kicks and rolls and jabs, knowing that you and I are sharing something special that can never be taken away from a mother and her child.
I can't wait to meet you my sweet boy!
Love,
Momma
Friday, 17 August 2012
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Alexis - 14 Months Old
Dear Alexis,
You seem to be maturing and changing and learning so much - right before our eyes. You now say a few words - hi (while waving), bye (while waving), eye (while poking your right eye), mama, dada, tickle (complete with tickle motions on your belly), dat (while pointing)... you also love to brush your (non-existent) hair, try to put on your shoes, turn the pages in a book when I tell you to, give big squishy hugs and slimy kisses, give Duke his toys, splash in the bathtub and mercilessly bug your big sister. You are so sweet and funny and feisty and stubborn, all at the same time. You walk every where now and LOVE climbing things and getting into trouble.
So while all of this makes you seem older and bigger, to me, you are still my sweet little baby - so it's hard to imagine that our breastfeeding relationship is already coming to an end. I know that if I wasn't pregnant, it wouldn't be, and that makes it that much harder for me to swallow (hello, can we say Mommy Guilt to the extreme??). The same thing happened with your sister at around the same point in my pregnancy with you - but of course Mercedes was already nearly 22 months old. At only 14 months you seem much too little and dependent to wean - but alas, it appears that is what is happening. A loss in supply is leaving you disinterested and me in pain - and the one thing I know about extended (or any) breastfeeding relationship, is that it needs to work for both mother and baby.
I won't lie, I shed some tears last night after putting you to bed, because I'm pretty sure that was one of our last sessions, and it wasn't the most fun to be honest. But the night before you woke up at 4 am (something you hadn't done in a while) and I went in to your room and snuggled you in the dark and nursed you until you were quiet and calm and drowsy. That's the picture I'll remember - your sweet-smelling downy hair, your soft little hand stroking my chest, your eyes fluttering closed. I'm sorry that this chapter in our lives has come to an end already - I'll most definitely miss it - but I have to remind myself that a) you'll be just fine b) we've given each other a wonderful gift for 14 months and c) you are getting another sibling to love and torture out of the deal!
Love always,
Momma
You seem to be maturing and changing and learning so much - right before our eyes. You now say a few words - hi (while waving), bye (while waving), eye (while poking your right eye), mama, dada, tickle (complete with tickle motions on your belly), dat (while pointing)... you also love to brush your (non-existent) hair, try to put on your shoes, turn the pages in a book when I tell you to, give big squishy hugs and slimy kisses, give Duke his toys, splash in the bathtub and mercilessly bug your big sister. You are so sweet and funny and feisty and stubborn, all at the same time. You walk every where now and LOVE climbing things and getting into trouble.
So while all of this makes you seem older and bigger, to me, you are still my sweet little baby - so it's hard to imagine that our breastfeeding relationship is already coming to an end. I know that if I wasn't pregnant, it wouldn't be, and that makes it that much harder for me to swallow (hello, can we say Mommy Guilt to the extreme??). The same thing happened with your sister at around the same point in my pregnancy with you - but of course Mercedes was already nearly 22 months old. At only 14 months you seem much too little and dependent to wean - but alas, it appears that is what is happening. A loss in supply is leaving you disinterested and me in pain - and the one thing I know about extended (or any) breastfeeding relationship, is that it needs to work for both mother and baby.
I won't lie, I shed some tears last night after putting you to bed, because I'm pretty sure that was one of our last sessions, and it wasn't the most fun to be honest. But the night before you woke up at 4 am (something you hadn't done in a while) and I went in to your room and snuggled you in the dark and nursed you until you were quiet and calm and drowsy. That's the picture I'll remember - your sweet-smelling downy hair, your soft little hand stroking my chest, your eyes fluttering closed. I'm sorry that this chapter in our lives has come to an end already - I'll most definitely miss it - but I have to remind myself that a) you'll be just fine b) we've given each other a wonderful gift for 14 months and c) you are getting another sibling to love and torture out of the deal!
Love always,
Momma
Thursday, 5 July 2012
Alexis - 13 Months Old
Dear Alexis,
You walk! Yay! It's not consistent (i.e. you don't walk more than you crawl, yet) but you CAN do it, and quite well when you set your mind to it. Watching your little tiny feet propel your small chubby body across the room, and seeing how proud you are when you do it - well, it's pretty darn amazing.
You also have discovered how much fun it is to CLIMB things, which gives your father and I heart attacks daily - finding you standing on a stool trying to reach whatever is on the counter is not fun (for us anyway). But I'm glad to see how adventurous and curious you are - I know it's the age of discovery, I just want you to discover safely please ;)
Love,
Momma
ETA: Less than a week after I wrote this, you are definitely, officially a walker. You practiced all weekend and now you toddle around like a drunk zombie ALL day long. It's awesome.
You walk! Yay! It's not consistent (i.e. you don't walk more than you crawl, yet) but you CAN do it, and quite well when you set your mind to it. Watching your little tiny feet propel your small chubby body across the room, and seeing how proud you are when you do it - well, it's pretty darn amazing.
You also have discovered how much fun it is to CLIMB things, which gives your father and I heart attacks daily - finding you standing on a stool trying to reach whatever is on the counter is not fun (for us anyway). But I'm glad to see how adventurous and curious you are - I know it's the age of discovery, I just want you to discover safely please ;)
Love,
Momma
ETA: Less than a week after I wrote this, you are definitely, officially a walker. You practiced all weekend and now you toddle around like a drunk zombie ALL day long. It's awesome.
Dear Peanut #3 - 14 Weeks Pregnant
So I may need to rename this blog, seeing as it's called "Letters to My Daughters" and I don't know if you'll be one of those...but...
Welcome to the family! We were 'slightly' surprised to find out that you were on the way, but once the shock (mostly) wore off, your father and I were thrilled. Anxious about money and logistics and time and all of those 'adult' worries, but not for a second worried about how you'd fit into our family and how much you would be loved. As we learned when Alexis was born, your love for your children multiplies, not divides. And now that Alexis and Mercedes are a bit older, we can see how much they love each other and how nicely (usually) they play together. We can't wait to see how you fit into the equation and to experience life with our three beautiful children. We feel so lucky that we've been so blessed. And as someone said to me recently when I panicked about having a third child (3 kids in 4 years is going to be HARD!) - "there is a reason that tiny souls keep finding you - you were meant to be a mother" and I really feel that it's true. I always wanted to be a mother, despite how difficult it is. But with great effort comes great reward, and when I see the lovely girls that your sisters are growing up to be I feel like I must be doing something right.
So no matter how much money three kids will cost, or how stressful a very young family might be, or how utterly exhausted your father and I will surely be, I will relish every moment of this (for real, my FINAL) pregnancy and every moment with you beyond that. I can't wait to meet you, and to welcome you into our sweet little family.
Love,
Momma
Welcome to the family! We were 'slightly' surprised to find out that you were on the way, but once the shock (mostly) wore off, your father and I were thrilled. Anxious about money and logistics and time and all of those 'adult' worries, but not for a second worried about how you'd fit into our family and how much you would be loved. As we learned when Alexis was born, your love for your children multiplies, not divides. And now that Alexis and Mercedes are a bit older, we can see how much they love each other and how nicely (usually) they play together. We can't wait to see how you fit into the equation and to experience life with our three beautiful children. We feel so lucky that we've been so blessed. And as someone said to me recently when I panicked about having a third child (3 kids in 4 years is going to be HARD!) - "there is a reason that tiny souls keep finding you - you were meant to be a mother" and I really feel that it's true. I always wanted to be a mother, despite how difficult it is. But with great effort comes great reward, and when I see the lovely girls that your sisters are growing up to be I feel like I must be doing something right.
So no matter how much money three kids will cost, or how stressful a very young family might be, or how utterly exhausted your father and I will surely be, I will relish every moment of this (for real, my FINAL) pregnancy and every moment with you beyond that. I can't wait to meet you, and to welcome you into our sweet little family.
Love,
Momma
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
Happy 1st Birthday Alexis!
My darling Banana-Lex,
Happy Birthday! It's hard to believe it's been an entire year since you graced us with your presence - on the other hand, it feels like you've always been a part of our little family. It has been such an immense pleasure watching you grow this past year - from a squeaky, tiny, helpless newborn to a feisty, laidback, funny, sweet little girl... what a gift you are. Your sister is madly in love with you, even if you bug her sometimes (common refrains heard here "Mommy, Lexi is biting me! Mommy, Lexi is pulling my feet! Mommy, Lexi is pinching me! Mommy, Lexi took my monkey!") - despite how annoying you can be to her, she dotes on you in a way that warms my heart. I am so happy we've given the gift of sisters to each of you - I love watching your relationship change and grow.
Every mother, when pregnant with her second baby, goes through feelings of doubt "what did I just do to my first baby... how can I EVER love another child as much as I love my first?" But all of the cliches really are true. My love has multiplied and expanded in a way I never thought possible. There is absolutely no doubt in anyone's mind that I love you and your sister more than anything else in the entire world - it's amazing how much capacity the heart holds. I fell in love with you the second I laid eyes on you, but I didn't really 'know' you... it's been such a joy to learn your ins and outs this year... what you love, what makes you mad, how to soothe you, what makes you laugh, the little sweet faces you make when you sleep, the way you snuggle in and stick your hand up my shirt when you nurse, the way you eat, the way you smile, the way you chase the dog and pull the cat's tail. I love knowing you, inside and out.
You currently have 7 teeth, and 4 words (hi, mum, dada, 'dat'). You aren't walking yet, but are standing unassisted more and more often and attempting to climb everything you can find. You aren't sleeping through the night, although I hope that's coming soon! You eat a huge variety of foods, but aren't too fond of eggs or tomatoes for some strange reason. Your favourite toys currently are a little mini car-driving game, mega blocks, the toy kitchen, and stacking cups. You love music and dancing and singing along with whatever your sister happens to be watching.
I am so blessed to have you, and so thrilled that you are happy and healthy and thriving. I couldn't ask for anything more, and I cannot wait to see what the next year, and beyond, holds.
All my love,
Momma (or as you'd say, Mumumum)
Happy Birthday! It's hard to believe it's been an entire year since you graced us with your presence - on the other hand, it feels like you've always been a part of our little family. It has been such an immense pleasure watching you grow this past year - from a squeaky, tiny, helpless newborn to a feisty, laidback, funny, sweet little girl... what a gift you are. Your sister is madly in love with you, even if you bug her sometimes (common refrains heard here "Mommy, Lexi is biting me! Mommy, Lexi is pulling my feet! Mommy, Lexi is pinching me! Mommy, Lexi took my monkey!") - despite how annoying you can be to her, she dotes on you in a way that warms my heart. I am so happy we've given the gift of sisters to each of you - I love watching your relationship change and grow.
Every mother, when pregnant with her second baby, goes through feelings of doubt "what did I just do to my first baby... how can I EVER love another child as much as I love my first?" But all of the cliches really are true. My love has multiplied and expanded in a way I never thought possible. There is absolutely no doubt in anyone's mind that I love you and your sister more than anything else in the entire world - it's amazing how much capacity the heart holds. I fell in love with you the second I laid eyes on you, but I didn't really 'know' you... it's been such a joy to learn your ins and outs this year... what you love, what makes you mad, how to soothe you, what makes you laugh, the little sweet faces you make when you sleep, the way you snuggle in and stick your hand up my shirt when you nurse, the way you eat, the way you smile, the way you chase the dog and pull the cat's tail. I love knowing you, inside and out.
I am so blessed to have you, and so thrilled that you are happy and healthy and thriving. I couldn't ask for anything more, and I cannot wait to see what the next year, and beyond, holds.
All my love,
Momma (or as you'd say, Mumumum)
Thursday, 26 April 2012
Alexis - 11 Months Old
Dear Alexis,
You have your first word, yay! You've actually probably been saying it for a while now, but it's SO hard to tell what's just babbling and what is said with actual purpose and intent. But the other day, your Daddy came home from work and as usual, you crawled at breakneck speed down the hallway to greet him. He said "Hi Alexis!" and you beamed and waved and said "Hi!" back! Over and over and over again! We've been testing you, and yep, you really mean HI when you say it. So unbelievably cute, and totally indicative of how much of a little social butterfly you are.
In other news, you start daycare full time next week, as I have to go back to work on Monday. You had only your second visit at daycare yesterday (unattended by me), and you were a rockstar! You cried when Daddy dropped you off (and when I picked you up), but that's totally normal and to be expected for a while. But you stopped crying quickly, and got into the swing of playing with your new little friends happily - you ate a big breakfast, and the best part, you even went down for a nap without a peep! I knew you'd do awesome - you are this amazing combination of feisty and devilish and active, while being very easygoing and laidback and happy. You are such a joy to be around - you make the whole world smile around you. I'm going to miss you so much, but I know you'll be having a blast playing with your sister all day.
Love,
Momma
You have your first word, yay! You've actually probably been saying it for a while now, but it's SO hard to tell what's just babbling and what is said with actual purpose and intent. But the other day, your Daddy came home from work and as usual, you crawled at breakneck speed down the hallway to greet him. He said "Hi Alexis!" and you beamed and waved and said "Hi!" back! Over and over and over again! We've been testing you, and yep, you really mean HI when you say it. So unbelievably cute, and totally indicative of how much of a little social butterfly you are.
In other news, you start daycare full time next week, as I have to go back to work on Monday. You had only your second visit at daycare yesterday (unattended by me), and you were a rockstar! You cried when Daddy dropped you off (and when I picked you up), but that's totally normal and to be expected for a while. But you stopped crying quickly, and got into the swing of playing with your new little friends happily - you ate a big breakfast, and the best part, you even went down for a nap without a peep! I knew you'd do awesome - you are this amazing combination of feisty and devilish and active, while being very easygoing and laidback and happy. You are such a joy to be around - you make the whole world smile around you. I'm going to miss you so much, but I know you'll be having a blast playing with your sister all day.
Love,
Momma
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Mercedes - 3 Years Old & Alexis - 10 Months Old
To my Princesses,
I missed the whole month of March, oops! Things are always hectic, particularly since you two seem to want to go in opposite directions. I LOVE being at home with the both of you, but man, it's exhausting! I can hardly find the time to shower, let alone write in your journal.
But I wanted to take this opportunity, before I go back to work in just a couple of weeks, to thank you both for the past year. It's had its ups and downs, there have been tears (from all of us!), a lot of sleepless nights, whiny tantrums, injuries, injustices, yelling (more than I'd like to admit), frustration, anger, overwhelming helplessness, illness... etc. But there have also been tears of joy, heart-melting moments, kisses, hugs, snuggles, laughter, milestones met, new things learned, unshakeable bonds formed, and an overwhelming amount of love.
I not only fell in love with you, my sweet Alexis - birthing you, breastfeeding you, cuddling you while you slept on my chest, snuggling you in our big bed at night, sitting up with you while you were sick, watching you grow and learn and discover all those wonderful things babies discover in their first months.
But I also re-fell in love with you Mercedes, my lovely big girl. Having this second chance to spend extra time with you has been amazing (frustrating and exhausting at times, but amazing). Taking you to gym class and 'math' class and playdates... doing crafts and baking and going on long walks and reading and doing puzzles and playing catch. I loved the time we spent together in your first year of course, but having this chance while you are older is something special and unique that unfortunately, I won't ever get with Alexis.
And most of all, I've loved watching you fall in love with each other. There is nothing like the looks you two give each other, the giggles you two share, the smiles you greet each other with. Of course, there have been bumpy patches in your relationship also - fighting for my attention, being told you aren't allowed certain things, and more recently, a biting baby sister who tries to steal her big sister's snacks. But in general, you two love each other so much that it makes MY heart hurt with how happy it makes me.
I can never get this year back, and I know that when I'm back at work things will be hectic and overwhelming and we won't get as much time together. But I'll always have the memory of how special it has been, and how much I've learned - both about my amazing girls, and about myself as a mother. I love you Mercedes, and I love you Alexis. My shining stars, forever.
I missed the whole month of March, oops! Things are always hectic, particularly since you two seem to want to go in opposite directions. I LOVE being at home with the both of you, but man, it's exhausting! I can hardly find the time to shower, let alone write in your journal.
But I wanted to take this opportunity, before I go back to work in just a couple of weeks, to thank you both for the past year. It's had its ups and downs, there have been tears (from all of us!), a lot of sleepless nights, whiny tantrums, injuries, injustices, yelling (more than I'd like to admit), frustration, anger, overwhelming helplessness, illness... etc. But there have also been tears of joy, heart-melting moments, kisses, hugs, snuggles, laughter, milestones met, new things learned, unshakeable bonds formed, and an overwhelming amount of love.
I not only fell in love with you, my sweet Alexis - birthing you, breastfeeding you, cuddling you while you slept on my chest, snuggling you in our big bed at night, sitting up with you while you were sick, watching you grow and learn and discover all those wonderful things babies discover in their first months.
But I also re-fell in love with you Mercedes, my lovely big girl. Having this second chance to spend extra time with you has been amazing (frustrating and exhausting at times, but amazing). Taking you to gym class and 'math' class and playdates... doing crafts and baking and going on long walks and reading and doing puzzles and playing catch. I loved the time we spent together in your first year of course, but having this chance while you are older is something special and unique that unfortunately, I won't ever get with Alexis.
And most of all, I've loved watching you fall in love with each other. There is nothing like the looks you two give each other, the giggles you two share, the smiles you greet each other with. Of course, there have been bumpy patches in your relationship also - fighting for my attention, being told you aren't allowed certain things, and more recently, a biting baby sister who tries to steal her big sister's snacks. But in general, you two love each other so much that it makes MY heart hurt with how happy it makes me.
I can never get this year back, and I know that when I'm back at work things will be hectic and overwhelming and we won't get as much time together. But I'll always have the memory of how special it has been, and how much I've learned - both about my amazing girls, and about myself as a mother. I love you Mercedes, and I love you Alexis. My shining stars, forever.
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