Mercedes - 3.5 Years Old

Dear Mercedes,

Today is your last day at a home daycare (Sherri's). We are all a little bit sad that this chapter in your life is coming to an end, and I know that Sherri will miss you and you will miss her and your little friends there and spending time with your sister every day... but we are thrilled for you to be starting Preschool full-time next week. You are so excited about being a 'big girl' and having a real class, and teachers and learning new things and going on field trips and playing outside for hours a day.

Your father and I were nervous about it, despite knowing how good it would be for you - you have always been more of a shy, tentative, cautious girl. Never the first one in a crowd to make a new friend, or the kid who goes up to random strangers and starts conversations... you are a little tentative about physical things too - slides and swings and sand (yep, you are definitely a product of both of your parents, that's for sure!). But we've been so amazingly proud of you and your strong, smart, sensitive personality these past few weeks. We're in the middle of selling our house, you have a new sibling on the way, you are starting a new school - and yet you roll with the punches and accept it all gracefully, with a minimum amount of tantrums thankfully ;)

We had a couple of preschool orientations this week - I left you alone during both of them and you didn't bat an eyelash. I assumed there'd be tears and clinginess, but I saw brave determination on your face to be a big girl and throw yourself into a new situation. You are now talking to servers in restaurants, saying hi to strangers walking down the street, insisting new people you meet shake your hands, waving to strange dogs... all things that you wouldn't have done even six months ago.

There is a parenting philosophy out there called 'Attachment Parenting' and while I hate the labels that people put on 'types' of parents, and I don't think any one follows any set of principles exactly, it is a theory that your father and I have tended to fall into naturally. While we believe in setting boundaries and rules for our children, we also believe in respecting their individual personalities and reassuring them when they need it. Your sister and you seem to be quite different - Alexis is more of a free-spirit, a little more independent, a little more feisty. And you have always been a big cuddler, more of a mommy's and daddy's girl - a bit nervous about new things, tentative in new situations. I breastfed you until you were two, we never pushed you into doing things you were very uncomfortable with, and even now, at age 3.5 you sleep in our bed with us. Some people would say we are giving in and not being firm enough; some would say that we are setting ourselves up for a lifetime of clinginess and dependency. But seeing how much you've blossomed and grown into a brave, determined, friendly little girl... I have to believe that we are doing the right thing in following our instincts. The way we parent certainly wouldn't be for everyone, nor would it work for every kid - but I don't regret anything we've done with you. I just have to look at your sweet, smiling face and know that we are doing okay.

I can't wait to see you change and grow even more as you get accustomed to preschool - I look forward to hearing your fantastic stories about all your new adventures with your new friends.

Love,

Momma

Holden - 20 Weeks Pregnant

Dear Holden (we'll have to see what sort of nickname your sisters come up with for you!),

As I suspected, I have now had to change the title and the colours of this blog/journal - since I will no longer only have daughters! I had a very strong feeling from the moment I found out about you that you were a boy - so much so that I've been saying "he kicked" and "when he arrives" etc. right from the beginning.

Last week that hunch was confirmed via ultrasound - and here you are! Holden John (John after your late grandfather, who we'll happily tell you all about as you get older) - welcome to the family! Your sisters are thrilled (well ok, Alexis has no clue what is going on, but Mercedes is pleased since she requested a baby brother) about your impending arrival, as are your grandparents, aunts and of course, your father and I. We're a little befuddled on what exactly to 'do' with a boy - and we have to amass a large quantity of BLUE clothes and get rid of the mountains of PINK - but we're excited nonetheless. I can't wait to see what a wee boy version of us looks like.

In other news - you are growing healthy and strong and perfectly on track. I felt you kick from the OUTSIDE for the first time last weekend (Saturday evening to be exact) and it was thrilling! You've also seemed to go through a massive growth spurt this week, right at the halfway mark in my pregnancy - now your movements are higher up, more pronounced, and more easily felt from the outside. This is my favourite part of pregnancy - feeling those unmistakable kicks and rolls and jabs, knowing that you and I are sharing something special that can never be taken away from a mother and her child.

I can't wait to meet you my sweet boy!

Love,

Momma

Alexis - 14 Months Old

Dear Alexis,

You seem to be maturing and changing and learning so much - right before our eyes. You now say a few words - hi (while waving), bye (while waving), eye (while poking your right eye), mama, dada, tickle (complete with tickle motions on your belly), dat (while pointing)... you also love to brush your (non-existent) hair, try to put on your shoes, turn the pages in a book when I tell you to, give big squishy hugs and slimy kisses, give Duke his toys, splash in the bathtub and mercilessly bug your big sister. You are so sweet and funny and feisty and stubborn, all at the same time. You walk every where now and LOVE climbing things and getting into trouble.

So while all of this makes you seem older and bigger, to me, you are still my sweet little baby - so it's hard to imagine that our breastfeeding relationship is already coming to an end. I know that if I wasn't pregnant, it wouldn't be, and that makes it that much harder for me to swallow (hello, can we say Mommy Guilt to the extreme??). The same thing happened with your sister at around the same point in my pregnancy with you - but of course Mercedes was already nearly 22 months old. At only 14 months you seem much too little and dependent to wean - but alas, it appears that is what is happening. A loss in supply is leaving you disinterested and me in pain - and the one thing I know about extended (or any) breastfeeding relationship, is that it needs to work for both mother and baby.

I won't lie, I shed some tears last night after putting you to bed, because I'm pretty sure that was one of our last sessions, and it wasn't the most fun to be honest. But the night before you woke up at 4 am (something you hadn't done in a while) and I went in to your room and snuggled you in the dark and nursed you until you were quiet and calm and drowsy. That's the picture I'll remember - your sweet-smelling downy hair, your soft little hand stroking my chest, your eyes fluttering closed. I'm sorry that this chapter in our lives has come to an end already - I'll most definitely miss it - but I have to remind myself that a) you'll be just fine b) we've  given each other a wonderful gift for 14 months and c) you are getting another sibling to love and torture out of the deal!

Love always,

Momma

Alexis - 13 Months Old

Dear Alexis,

You walk! Yay! It's not consistent (i.e. you don't walk more than you crawl, yet) but you CAN do it, and quite well when you set your mind to it. Watching your little tiny feet propel your small chubby body across the room, and seeing how proud you are when you do it - well, it's pretty darn amazing.

You also have discovered how much fun it is to CLIMB things, which gives your father and I heart attacks daily - finding you standing on a stool trying to reach whatever is on the counter is not fun (for us anyway). But I'm glad to see how adventurous and curious you are - I know it's the age of discovery, I just want you to discover safely please ;)

Love,

Momma

ETA: Less than a week after I wrote this, you are definitely, officially a walker. You practiced all weekend and now you toddle around like a drunk zombie ALL day long. It's awesome.

Dear Peanut #3 - 14 Weeks Pregnant

So I may need to rename this blog, seeing as it's called "Letters to My Daughters" and I don't know if you'll be one of those...but...

Welcome to the family! We were 'slightly' surprised to find out that you were on the way, but once the shock (mostly) wore off, your father and I were thrilled. Anxious about money and logistics and time and all of those 'adult' worries, but not for a second worried about how you'd fit into our family and how much you would be loved. As we learned when Alexis was born, your love for your children multiplies, not divides. And now that Alexis and Mercedes are a bit older, we can see how much they love each other and how nicely (usually) they play together. We can't wait to see how you fit into the equation and to experience life with our three beautiful children. We feel so lucky that we've been so blessed. And as someone said to me recently when I panicked about having a third child (3 kids in 4 years is going to be HARD!) - "there is a reason that tiny souls keep finding you - you were meant to be a mother" and I really feel that it's true. I always wanted to be a mother, despite how difficult it is. But with great effort comes great reward, and when I see the lovely girls that your sisters are growing up to be I feel like I must be doing something right.

So no matter how much money three kids will cost, or how stressful a very young family might be, or how utterly exhausted your father and I will surely be, I will relish every moment of this (for real, my FINAL) pregnancy and every moment with you beyond that. I can't wait to meet you, and to welcome you into our sweet little family.

Love,

Momma

Happy 1st Birthday Alexis!

My darling Banana-Lex,

Happy Birthday! It's hard to believe it's been an entire year since you graced us with your presence - on the other hand, it feels like you've always been a part of our little family. It has been such an immense pleasure watching you grow this past year - from a squeaky, tiny, helpless newborn to a feisty, laidback, funny, sweet little girl... what a gift you are. Your sister is madly in love with you, even if you bug her sometimes (common refrains heard here "Mommy, Lexi is biting me! Mommy, Lexi is pulling my feet! Mommy, Lexi is pinching me! Mommy, Lexi took my monkey!") - despite how annoying you can be to her, she dotes on you in a way that warms my heart. I am so happy we've given the gift of sisters to each of you - I love watching your relationship change and grow.

Every mother, when pregnant with her second baby, goes through feelings of doubt "what did I just do to my first baby... how can I EVER love another child as much as I love my first?" But all of the cliches really are true. My love has multiplied and expanded in a way I never thought possible. There is absolutely no doubt in anyone's mind that I love you and your sister more than anything else in the entire world - it's amazing how much capacity the heart holds. I fell in love with you the second I laid eyes on you, but I didn't really 'know' you... it's been such a joy to learn your ins and outs this year... what you love, what makes you mad, how to soothe you, what makes you laugh, the little sweet faces you make when you sleep, the way you snuggle in and stick your hand up my shirt when you nurse, the way you eat, the way you smile, the way you chase the dog and pull the cat's tail. I love knowing you, inside and out.

You currently have 7 teeth, and 4 words (hi, mum, dada, 'dat'). You aren't walking yet, but are standing unassisted more and more often and attempting to climb everything you can find. You aren't sleeping through the night, although I hope that's coming soon! You eat a huge variety of foods, but aren't too fond of eggs or tomatoes for some strange reason. Your favourite toys currently are a little mini car-driving game, mega blocks, the toy kitchen, and stacking cups. You love music and dancing and singing along with whatever your sister happens to be watching.

I am so blessed to have you, and so thrilled that you are happy and healthy and thriving. I couldn't ask for anything more, and I cannot wait to see what the next year, and beyond, holds.

All my love,

Momma (or as you'd say, Mumumum)

Alexis - 11 Months Old

Dear Alexis,

You have your first word, yay! You've actually probably been saying it for a while now, but it's SO hard to tell what's just babbling and what is said with actual purpose and intent. But the other day, your Daddy came home from work and as usual, you crawled at breakneck speed down the hallway to greet him. He said "Hi Alexis!" and you beamed and waved and said "Hi!" back! Over and over and over again! We've been testing you, and yep, you really mean HI when you say it. So unbelievably cute, and totally indicative of how much of a little social butterfly you are.

In other news, you start daycare full time next week, as I have to go back to work on Monday. You had only your second visit at daycare yesterday (unattended by me), and you were a rockstar! You cried when Daddy dropped you off (and when I picked you up), but that's totally normal and to be expected for a while. But you stopped crying quickly, and got into the swing of playing with your new little friends happily - you ate a big breakfast, and the best part, you even went down for a nap without a peep! I knew you'd do awesome - you are this amazing combination of feisty and devilish and active, while being very easygoing and laidback and happy. You are such a joy to be around - you make the whole world smile around you. I'm going to miss you so much, but I know you'll be having a blast playing with your sister all day.

Love,

Momma