Holden - Happy First Birthday!

My dear sweet Holden,

It is three days after your birthday, but in typical busy-mom fashion, I am only finding the time to write this journal entry to you now - I apologize. But it has given me some more time to reflect on that wondrous milestone - the first birthday! I have to admit, I was very sad leading up to your first birthday. With Mercedes, I was just excited - it's so much fun to watch your babies growing up! When Alexis turned one, I was already pregnant with you, so I knew I was going to get to experience that magical first year all over again. But you... my lovely, sweet little boy. You, are my final baby. I love the newborn/infant stage anyway, but experiencing it all again for a third (and final) time, with the bonus of an exceptionally darling baby... it has been an amazing year. Stressful, I won't lie - I've been home full-time with you and Lexi for an entire year now, which hasn't been easy of course. And Mercedes started school in September, leaving all drop-offs and pick-ups my responsibility, with my two sidekicks in tow. But no matter how exhausted I am, or how many times I may lose my patience, or how frustrated I get... all I need to do is look in your beautiful eyes to realize how amazing this life I lead is.

All babies are wonderful. That is the inherent magic, the innate goodness, of babies. But everyone who meets you (aka, more than just your extremely biased family) knows there is something extra special about you. I truly believe you are an old, gentle soul. Sweet and happy and easy-going and social and interactive and smiley, smiley, smiley. I can't get enough of your sweet face and snuggly hugs. When you smile at me with your gap-toothed grin, I literally melt inside. I well up in tears frequently just looking at you (or, thinking about you, talking about you, writing about you...). I feel thankful EVERY, SINGLE day that you found your way to our family. It is no secret to anyone (and won't be kept a secret from you in the future either - I believe in honesty and transparency in a family) that you were not planned. A welcome, wonderful surprise, but a surprise nonetheless. In the early days of my pregnancy with you, your father and I fretted a bit - about money and logistics and my career and our exhaustion levels. Trivial stuff, when it comes down to it, because I knew, right from that first moment, that I loved you beyond measure and that you were meant to be.

I wrote in your birth story, an entire year ago, that you were everything that we never knew we always wanted. And that still holds true. I marvel at the fact that we ever thought our family was complete. You were clearly MEANT to be with us. (In fact, I often joke that Lexi knew first, since she was obviously born to be a middle child!)

I can't wait to see what your future holds - I know it will be bright and lovely and happy. You will do great things, of that I am sure. I love you so much; thank you for enriching our lives with your pure beauty. We are all better people for it.

Love,

Mama
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P.S. As of now you have 7 teeth (#7 cut on your birthday!) and say Mama and Dada. You crawl everywhere, and pull yourself to stand, but no walking yet. You clap and wave and blow kisses and shake your head no and respond to your name and love to flip the pages while I read you bedtime stories. You are obsessed with all the toys your sisters play with, and you love following them around and grinning when I catch you reaching for something you shouldn't have. As soon as the pantry cupboard opens, you magically appear to pull cereal boxes off the shelf. You are thrilled when Duke or Rusty walk by, and love giving them 'attention'. You get so excited when someone talks or smiles at you, that your whole body quivers with excitement and you bury your head in my shoulder (and bite my collarbone or my upper arm, ouch!).

Alexis - 27 Months

Dear Lexi,

It's official. The Terrible Twos are upon us. I remember so much of this very frustrating, yet totally endearing, age with your sister - but you are an entirely different child, and as such, present entirely different challenges! For example, your sister LOVED being in the stroller, and was never what parents termed 'a runner.' You? Oh yes. You are most definitely a runner. You are pretty good at understanding that we either hold hands or you go in the stroller, but the whole 'go in the stroller' part never gets accomplished without tears. You are MUCH more physical than your sister ever was; climbing play-structures with ease, which makes my heart stop a bit considering how far the fall is for such a wee girl! You love to climb anything in fact - tables being a big one, particularly naked while dancing (yes, I wonder about your future career sometimes). You love to be defiant, just for the sake of being defiant. Mercedes has something? You want it. Holden has something? You want it. Duke has something? You want it. Mommy or Daddy is eating something? You most DEFINITELY want it. You want to be super independent and have your hands in everything that goes on... diaper changes, meal times, getting into your high chair, laundry, unlocking the car, getting dressed, etc, etc. What should take 10 minutes takes upwards of half an hour. What should be fun, often isn't.

Sounds like a drag right? But the naked table dancing is hilariously entertaining. Your hugs are still the best. Your eyes light up with pure glee when you are playing (nicely) with your siblings. You absolutely adore when Duke gives you kisses. You say 'pease' and 'dank you' so sweetly it melts my heart. You insist on carrying a small pile of books with you to and from EVERY room - which, while it can be frustrating, is so darn cute! The 'reading' you do is even better.

I know that part of your behaviour is age-related, and a large part of it is hopefully two-year-molar related. I know it's a phase, and that this challenging stage will pass, just like all of the other challenging stages before, only to be replaced by some new way to be defiant and oppositional and independent. It's a part of growing, and learning, and becoming a little person. So while I may get frustrated at how long it takes to get three kids ready to leave the house, or how much of a mess you make when you are eating, or how difficult you can be when I ask you to do just about ANYTHING - I love the personality you so clearly have. Middle child? For sure. But a delightful, charming, happy, feisty, loving middle child. Now if only I could keep a straight face when disciplining you and your big brown eyes and incredibly crazy hair.

Love,

Mommy

Mercedes - First Day Of Junior Kindergarten!

Dear Mercedes,

My darling big girl - the day has finally come. Your full-time education begins now! Today was your very first day of 'big' school, as you've been calling it; full-day, every day, Junior Kindergarten!

It may seem like no big deal to some, and perhaps even to you, considering that you have basically been in a JK class for the past year already at Peekaboo. But this is different - this is the REAL DEAL. Public school. No nap. No provided food. No hand-holding from Mommy or Daddy. No early pick-ups or late drop-offs or staying home because it's convenient. SCHOOL.

September was always my favourite time of year (in fact, I think it probably still is!) - the weather cools off a bit, the sun is still shining, and best of all, the new school year begins - full of promise and opportunity and endless possibilities. I loved picking out a new outfit, and spending a sleepless night excitedly wondering who would be in my class, and what my teacher would be like. Organizing all of my shiny new school supplies, blank notebooks waiting to be filled with knowledge. I LOVED school, and if your experience at Peekaboo was any indication, you surely will also. I can't wait to see your future unfold - what catches your interest, where your path takes you.

We are so proud of you and how curious and inquisitive and sensitive and observant and emotional and considerate you are. It is a joy watching you grow and learn, and I can't wait to have many more first days of school with you, just like today.

(And for the record, there were no tears, from either of us!)

Love always,

Mama

Holden - 8 Months

Dear Holden (aka Holds, Holdy-Moldy, Rolds, Holders, Nedlohs, Mr. Nedloh, Neds, Nedders, Mr. Handsome...),

You are now 8 months old, and two days after celebrating that, you finally cut your first tooth! Not that you'd know it - you are as happy and agreeable as ever!

You aren't crawling yet (fine by me!) but you are super-quick and efficient with your rolling and pulling yourself around. Nothing is safe, and I can't leave you alone for a minute or you will be clear across the room. You are much steadier sitting now, and absolutely LOVE your food. I always find it so fun cooking for an infant - no criticism, no rejection... just pure joy at being given real food to eat!

And, as you have been your whole life, you are still a complete and total delight to be around. Smiley, happy, easy-going - any good-natured adjective you can think of? That's you!

Your sisters fight over who gets to open your door to greet you first after a nap, and they love fetching you toys and tickling you and making funny faces so you'll smile and laugh at them.

You can thank Mercedes for your main nickname of Nedloh (Holden spelled backward - she's a leftie, and very adept at the mirror-writing!), and all of the ways we've incorporated Nedloh into other nicknames for you :p

As always, thanks for being you <3

Love,

Mama

Mercedes - Preschool Graduate!

Dear Mercedes,

You are officially a graduate! Of Preschool that is, but it is what is hopefully your first of many graduations, and your father and I (and all the rest of our family) couldn't be prouder! You first started Preschool, full-time, in September. You had a typical transition - you were so excited to go at first, and then on day three reality hit, as did the tears. You cried on drop-off for a couple of weeks, but settled fairly easily and began to participate. Shyly, and tentatively, but you participated. You ate, you slept, you listened well, you played and best (perhaps most importantly) of all, you began to make friends.

We've seen an immense change in you over the past almost-year, as have your teachers. Of course, part of that is just natural growing up - you were 3.5 when you started, and now you are nearly 4.5, so of course you've matured. But I have no doubt that Preschool helped the process. You talk to and play with kids you don't know at the playground and can talk to adults with ease. You now know all of your letters and numbers and are learning to read - you know tons of sight words and LOVE pointing them out while we read chapter books to you at bedtime. You have learned basic math and graphing and all about lifecycles (watching tadpoles grow and eggs hatch into baby chicks) and dinosaurs and the seasons and been to see live shows and ridden a pony and, and, and... the list of what Peekaboo has provided you is long.

We love having conversations with you and hearing all about the things you've learned. We love watching your little friends squeal "Mercedes!" and give you a hug when you show up. We love seeing how voraciously you read books and complete activity worksheets and how much you love to colour and practice your writing. We love seeing how far you've come physically too - climbing play structures with ease and little fear, riding a bike (with training wheels) - all things that you were too scared to attempt on your own a year ago.

At your graduation, which we all attended with proud, happy tears in our eyes, your teachers read this blurb about you: "Mercedes loves to spend time in the writing centre with the other girls playing teacher and school. She has formed new relationships and gained self confidence in these games. When Mercedes grows up, she wants to stay at home and be a 'mommy'. With her quiet and compassionate personality and her need for knowledge, we think she is going to be a librarian."  Your teachers love you - even the teachers from classes you aren't in love you (Miss Nicole misses you when she doesn't work mornings, and brings you special treats - I even noticed her holding your hand while you waited to cross the stage to get your 'diploma'). Seeing how much of an impact you have made on them, and how much of an impact they have made on YOU makes me swell with pride. You should have seen our reaction to your Progress Report!

You are still staying at Peekaboo over the summer, even though the Preschool program is now finished - going to the splash pad and playing soccer and enjoying time with your friends. Saying goodbye at the end of the summer will be bittersweet for us all - I have NO doubt that you will flourish and excel in Junior Kindergarten in September (although I'm primed for another 'transition' period), but I know that it will be sad to say goodbye to the second family you've created at Peekaboo over the past year. I'll never forget how much you've grown there.

Love,

Your ever-proud Mama

Holden - 6 Months Old

Dear Holden,

Happy Half Birthday! On Monday you turned six months old and it gave us a chance to reflect on how busy and full and wonderful the past half year has been. You are such an absolute delight - everyone you meet falls under your spell. Smiley and happy and content to just watch the world around you. You aren't very active (you roll around quite a bit, and move a ton in your crib at night, but during the day you are happy to just lie/sit and relax), although you do kick and wiggle a lot. So a wonderful blend of busy but stationary ;) You can't REALLY sit up on your own yet, although you try. Which has thrown a wrench in our introduction to solids - we do 'baby-led weaning' and one of the readiness factors is being able to sit up unassisted. We tried to give you some pepper earlier this week and you just toppled over too far in your high chair for us to feel comfortable with it. So we wait a bit, despite the fact that you are super-interested in whatever we happen to be eating. I am sure once you start you will be raring to go!

No teeth yet, although I do believe that a few are on the horizon. You are still nursing well, and sleeping well (three naps a day, and usually one wake up overnight), although you are an early riser just like your sisters. I guess your father's genes were dominant with all of you on that trait! You love to babble at us - babababa and mamamama are frequently heard. You weigh about 18.5 lbs (more than Lexi weighed at one year, ha) and are chubby and roly-poly with not very much hair, but delightfully large eyes and cheeks.

All in all, you have made our family more complete than we ever could have imagined. We love your sunny, gummy smile and the way you pause when someone talks to you - as if deciding your next move - before always, inevitably, lighting up into a gorgeous smile! You love to watch your sisters play, and your eyes glow when they play with you. We can't wait to watch you grow and become their playmate!

Happy half birthday Holders - we survived half a year with three kids!!! :D

Love,

Mama

Alexis - 2nd Birthday

Dear Lexi,

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Time is such a funny thing - it moves so slowly, yet flies so quickly. There is a saying about parenthood that 'the days are long, but the years are short' and in so many ways, it is very, very true. Our days together often seem to be one long chore - between you and your brother and your sister there are endless diaper changes/bathroom breaks and naptimes and feeding and snacks and requests for one thing or another. Your father and I are exhausted by the time the three of you are in bed. But when I reflect on how quickly the past two years have passed, and how much of an amazing ride it has been, I feel lucky beyond measure.

Yesterday was your second birthday, and it was much like any other day - you are delightfully funny and sweet and make me laugh, but you have also driven me nuts: danced in the dog's water bowl, taken a header off the couch, stolen your brother's toys, thrown a toy full of water out of the bathtub, insisted on wearing a plastic crown for your nap, spit food on the floor, fallen asleep in the car and tried to resist your nap, taken off a poopy diaper and gotten it all over your hands... the list goes on. Despite how 'two' you can be, I am loving having you home with me. It's most certainly not relaxing, but it is always entertaining!

At two years old, you love practicing going up and down the stairs (with some hand holding, because you have my short legs) and riding your tiny balance bike. Bubbles are like, THE best invention and you absolutely go nuts for the park and going down the slide by yourself. Fruit of any kind makes the world go round, and you eat fun stuff like sushi and crab but turn up your nose at most vegetables (hmm, wonder where you got that from?!) You have SO many words and seem to learn something new every day. You are currently obsessed with a purple crown that you wear everywhere (including the doctor's office and to bed!) and you love 'reading' your favourite books. You are waking up ridiculously early but still taking great naps (thank you for that!) You say such cute things like 'Aww, kiss!' every time you kiss someone - you torture the dog and cat daily, but think you are loving them. And your sun rises and sets on your sister and brother - watching you all together warms my heart daily (when you aren't fighting for toys/attention/space).

Lexi-Bexi, you are a joy and a delight to be around - tantrums notwithstanding. We love you so much and can't wait to watch you grow this year.

Love,

Momma

Holden - 3 Months

Dear Holdy,

Yep, sorry, it's official - your nickname is Holdy (often Holdy Roldy, ha). I know it doesn't sound especially masculine, but it suits you and your sunny, easy-going personality. I don't know if it is because you are a boy or because you are the third and sort of 'forced' to go with the flow... but man, you are an easy baby (knock on wood). It is hard to believe I was ever concerned about dealing with a third. Of course, it's early days, and your personality will develop as you grow, and at some point, you will move (that'll be fun). But for now, we are enjoying the 'honeymoon' period as your fourth trimester draws to a close. I've absolutely loved the past almost three months with you. You are smiley and happy and sleep well (again, knock on wood - do you hear me?! I'M KNOCKING ON WOOD) and love just chilling and watching the world (aka the tornados known as your sisters) around you. You haven't laughed yet, and you haven't rolled over yet - despite trying. You do like to talk and coo at objects on your playmat, and you love trying to hit them with your hand. The look of concentration is priceless! But by far your favourite thing to look at is your own hand. You hold up your right hand in a fist and stare at it until you are cross-eyed.

I love snuggling you and rocking you gently to sleep in your quiet room. In fact, despite being the opposite of my 'parenting philosophy' you are sleeping in your own room for the entire night already (and have been for a few weeks now). Your sisters didn't go to bed at an early hour until about 6 months, and they were in our room (and often in bed with me) on and off, but mostly on, until 9 months! You go to bed in your crib peacefully around 7ish, sleep 6-8 hours, and then back in your crib for another few hours. I have to admit, it is pretty great, but I do miss seeing your sweet face beside me in the bed. However, I know all too well what developmental milestones, illness and teeth can do to sleep - I am sure it won't be the last of our co-sleeping days. Until then, I'll relish the quiet moments we do have together during middle of the night feedings (we don't have too many quiet moments otherwise!)

Love,

Mama

Alexis - 22 months

Dear Alexis,

It is hard to believe that in two short months you will be TWO. Although I have to admit, you are showing a lot of signs of the 'terrible twos' already.

You have been home with me full-time since your baby brother was born, but a month ago your grandparents generously offered to pay for part-time daycare for you - we all figured that, supermom though I am, it would help you tremendously to have some kids your own age around, and to get out of the house and do some fun stuff. We are in a pretty good groove (for now, while your brother doesn't move!), but it is nice for you to have lots of exciting things to do, and it is nice for me to have a couple of days of peace and quiet with just your brother around. We do get out though - playdates and momstown events and running errands and next week you start a 'gym' class, which I am sure you will be thrilled with. But the daycare is doing great things for you - you love playing and they have said they wish every toddler could transition as easily as you! On your first day you ate and slept and played with no issues, and getting used to daycare when you only go part-time is even harder than full-time. Of course, you do have daycare experience already, but this is a busy centre (the same one your sister goes to!) - far different than a small, cozy home daycare. In any case, you love it, they love you, and we think it's doing great things for you.

Your language is exploding - every day it seems something new comes out of your mouth, and we can always see the wheels turning as you contemplate things. Your personality is the same as it's always been - this incredibly endearing blend of carefree and easy-going, and feisty and adventurous and stubborn. I love watching you watch Mercedes - you try to copy EVERYTHING she does and follow her around like a puppy, but you don't take any crap from her either. More often we are protecting HER from YOU, and not the other way around :p You have the cutest little face, very little hair, and this tiny sturdy body that is freakishly strong. You give the BEST hugs and nothing warms my heart like hearing you say earnestly "DANK you Bappy!" I can't get enough of kissing your chubby cheeks and hope you'll always let me.

Much as I enjoy the 'break' with you at daycare two days a week, I'm absolutely loving spending this extra time with you while I am off work. It feels like falling in love all over again.

Love,

Mama

Mercedes - 4 years old!

Dear Mercedes,

Happy Birthday!

Four years old seems so old and wise and mature... until you throw a random tantrum over not getting to pick which colour cup you use at dinner and I am reminded again of the tenuous balance between babyhood and childhood. Four is a hard age - on all of us! But it's fascinating and amazing to watch also. Your vocabulary and comprehension is astounding - every day you say something new and funny that proves how much you really understand about the world around you. You are starting to learn to read, slowly but surely - understanding the connection between letters and sounds, sounding out words, picking out sight words you recognize. You LOVE books just as much as your mother does (which thrills me of course!) and one of my absolute favourite things in the world is listening to you 'read' to yourself over the monitor before a nap.

You are funny and fun and snuggly (you still end up sleeping in our room for half the night, although we are proud that you start out in your bed at least!). You have a smile that lights up a room, and crazy hair that you refuse to let us tame most days. You are wonderfully cooperative at school, in public places, at the doctor or dentist (no cavities!) and fantastically defiant and stubborn at home. It bugs the hell out of your father and I, but it also makes me secretly proud to see you use logic to argue with us, and to see how your mind works. I could do without a lot of the crying and whining, but I'll say it again... four is hard :)

We are so proud of everything that you are and the beautiful girl you are becoming, inside and out. I can't wait to see what the year ahead holds for you, not the least of which includes starting all-day Junior Kindergarten!

Happy Birthday, to my favourite big girl, my first baby always. We love you.

Mama

Holden John - December 24, 2012

Dear Holden,

You've arrived! It is amazing to me that the days/weeks leading up to your birth were so fraught with worry for me. With your sisters, I was anxious and excited and nervous, but patient for the most part. I watched my body carefully for any signs and when those 'signs' appeared, I knew exactly what they meant and that birth was imminent, and I was right!

You, my surprise third baby, my only boy, my 'difficult' pregnancy, just had to keep me on my toes. For nearly three weeks prior to your birth I had bouts of regular contractions and other signs that you might be coming sooner rather than later. Such convincing signs in fact that I regularly cancelled plans and rushed to pack my bags and stuck close to home because I literally wondered every day if 'this was it'. It wasn't, ha.

We had plans with our whole family to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve, as usual - your Bubie and Zaidie were going to bring a whole festive meal here to our house, and we were going to eat and open presents and put on Christmas pjs and then leave cookies and milk out for Santa... our regular Christmas Eve rituals.

But at 2:30 a.m. on December 24th I woke up to the feeling of my water breaking. It wasn't a full on break, but a small gush of fluid that I immediately recognized for what it really was. Your father was sleeping on the floor of Alexis' room as she was having trouble sleeping. Mercedes and Duke were sleeping in bed with me. I hobbled to the bathroom and quickly realized that it was definitely the real deal, and more fluid was slowly leaking out. I went into Lexi's room to wake up your father and then called Bubie and Zaidie. I knew that contractions might not necessarily start right away, but I figured it was safer to have them here, at our house, just in case. I paged the midwife and she said to try to sleep and just wait until contractions started and became regular/more intense.

I decided to take a shower and at around 3:15, the contractions started. They weren't very strong, and they were about 7 minutes apart - so not urgent labour yet, but I was glad that Bubie and Zaidie were already on their way. By 4 am, when your grandparents arrived, the contractions had gotten a bit stronger, and were coming about every 5 minutes. Your father was packing up the car and your sisters were still sleeping, while I was sitting chatting with Bubie and Zaidie and silently working through the contractions.

By 4:45 we realized that the contractions were now actually about 3 minutes apart and both Daddy and Zaidie got a little nervous. I paged the midwife back and updated her and told her that we were getting nervous and wanted to head out to the hospital (a good 15-20 minute drive away). She agreed we should head in and she said she'd meet us there to check how far along things had progressed. We left the house at 5 and just the act of getting up from the table and walking to the car intensified the contractions tremendously. Your father was quite nervous on the drive down - the contractions were MUCH stronger during the car ride, and were coming every 2 minutes now. They seemed to be one on top of the other and quite strong now - I think your Daddy had visions of you arriving IN the car!

Thankfully, we made it to the hospital and up to the birthing unit by 5:30. The nurses/orderlies were scrambling to finish setting up the birthing suite, putting fresh linens on the bed, etc. I was sitting in the wheelchair and urgently felt the need to throw up. The midwife took one look at me, contractions one on top of another, throwing up into a puke bucket in the hallway of the hospital, and said "clearly we are admitting you!" I think she thought I was in transition already, but I just happen to vomit during labour, lucky me.

Once she was able to check me she announced I was 7 cms dilated. Not bad for just over two hours of contractions! I laboured for a while in the bathroom, and on the bed so they could monitor your heartrate (standard protocol for a VBAC). By 6:45 I felt a very strong urge to push and my midwife said that I was fully dilated, with just a tiny lip of cervix on one side.

A week prior to your arrival, you had shifted a bit to one side, and this apparently caused some difficulty with your descent and caused the remaining lip of cervix to that side. I pushed through it and she was able to move it out of the way thankfully, but the positioning did make for a SLOW descent for you. You also got a bit stuck around my pelvic bone, but we managed to work through it, thankfully.

By 7:40 a.m. your head was out, but it took a good two minutes to push the rest of you out. It was the most painful thing I've ever felt, but with your father's steadfast encouragement and the wonderful care of the midwives, we did it! You were officially born at 7:42 a.m. and your father got to cut the cord (finally!). You did need some quick resuscitation because of your slow, difficult arrival, but within a few minutes you were back with me for some skin to skin time. The midwives leisurely delivered the placenta, and stitched up two small tears (one benefit of your slow arrival!) while we snuggled together. We got to delay the newborn exam and eye ointment and everything for a good hour and instead just spent time getting to know one another - breastfeeding, staring into each other's eyes, etc. It was everything I always wanted out of a birth, and more.

They finally took you back to clean you up and weigh you and your father and I were shocked that you weighed in at 9 pounds 8 ounces!! Amazingly, 3 lbs bigger than Alexis and even a full pound larger than Mercedes. No wonder I was so uncomfortable. Everything else checked out perfectly and we would have been able to go home within a few hours of the birth (I felt AMAZING!) if not for your large size. Concerned about your blood sugars, the hospital requires three normal blood sugar test results, two hours apart each. So we moved to a recovery room and a nurse came every couple of hours to take your blood. All was well and normal and by 4:30 that afternoon, less than 9 hours after your birth, we were headed home!

You have been such a wonderful addition to our family - your sisters dote on you, your father adores you, I can't get enough of holding you, and your entire extended family just loves you to pieces. You are everything that we never knew we always wanted. I had no idea just how fully you would complete our family. So welcome, to the greatest Christmas present we could ever ask for. We love you muchly Holden John.

Love,

Mama